Aggression v/s Stoicism
How often do we find ourselves stuck in the quandary of picking between being antagonistic towards someone and dissing them or just letting their transgression slide and communicating with them politely? Every month, I get on a The Josh Speaks community hang-out call with some young, incredibly driven folks, and we have a thought-provoking conversation about a gamut of topics ranging from dating, career, various social constructs, etc. The call provides us, the budding armchair philosophists, with the opportunity to express our views on these topics and have an illuminating talk. The topic that took the center stage and dominated last month’s conversation was about drawing the line between being soft and letting things go and retaliating fervently.
We seemed to reach the consensus, right off the bat, that aggression doesn’t help resolve any lingering conflicts. The debate was more focused on circumstances where disputes can be better settled by hearing each other out and communicating effectively, and where spilling your wrath is warranted. I opined that unleashing your rage at someone is never a one-way street. You don’t diss a person and then expect them to stand there and absorb your yelling. A pendulum swings both ways, and sometimes it swings hard. Conflicts never ebb away, they only intensify. I don’t really feel over the moon after engaging in a belligerent argument with people, even if I end up emerging triumphant. That short-lived victory can never offset the toll bickering, never mind crossing swords, takes on me.
The conversation pivoted from staving off real-life brawls to taking a jab at the keyboard warriors from various enclaves of the internet. The gentleman from the other side of the pond asserted that dunking on people isn’t necessarily a wrong thing to do. I mean sure. But it isn’t worth it either. Odds are good that the person you’re trying to ridicule is far gone and deprogramming them would be a herculean task. If it weren’t so, you wouldn't be lured into wailing on them to begin with. Being indifferent is the secret sauce to winning these types of arguments.
We then switched gears and segued into discussing the scenarios where the other person isn’t a random wackadoodle who you scrolled to parroting conspiracies on Reddit or bumped into on the subway, but a real-life person who you have a longstanding relationship with. Humoring your friend, sibling, roommate, or anyone with whom you have a strong bond seems to be a stupendous thought at first. But it’s not making things any better. It’s instead causing you to be viscerally upset and angry. Everyone’s got a threshold. Everyone’s going to reach the end of their rope sometime and their patience will chip away. But going full apeshit will only irreversibly wreck your borderline sabotaged relationship with them. So what’s the middle ground here?
Communicate. In a non-wild, diplomatic way. Let them know how you feel. Odds are good that if they legitimately care about you, they will understand. It’ll be a win-win situation. If they are still not willing to fix things with you, you might as well just cut them loose. They don’t deserve you. At this point, once you have decided to write them off, a blowout doesn’t seem like a bad idea after all. I mean you got nothing to lose, right? But what goes around comes around. Adjust and fine-tune the fury seething within you before spewing it out and devouring the person in your anger flames.
At the bottom of this list were the people who have been jerks to you. How do you deal with them? The guy from New Hampshire interjected and pondered about obliquely rubbing it in their face that you’re better off without them. “Summer’s gonna kick in and I’m gonna go sailing every other weekend. She loved to do that activity with me. If I post that on my Snapchat, she’d be so jealous.” I’m not going to take a stand on this notion. I’ve my own doubts. I mean it’s a pretty innocuous way of letting that resentment out. Or is it? Why’s there resentment towards those who you consider boneheads to begin with?
The upshot of the call was that stoicism trounces aggression. The argument that was repeated most often was that hostility doesn’t resolve conflicts, it only exacerbates things. It might feel like involving yourself in a standoff with a Reddit troll is a super fun thing to do, and even though its impact on you might not be immediately discernible, those unwarranted ad-hominem attacks are not conducive to your well being. We should be learning to let things go and flick the chip off our shoulders. The way we perceive time, it only moves forward, and so should we!
